A lot of people think about why they’re here on earth and what’s their purpose in life. I never do that. I don’t believe my life has a purpose, that I have some sort of destiny awaiting me. I don’t think I was put on this earth for any particular reason and I don’t think life has some grand meaning. “The meaning of life”, you know. I don’t care about that. I’m just here.
What I do think about is how I need my life to be meaningful, to me. How I want to fill my life with wonderful moments and how I want to be happy. To me that’s the meaning of life. Simply to be happy and to enjoy my time here on earth. I’m a searcher. I search for something to fill me, complete me and make my life feel wonderful. It could be a place, something to do, a realization, whatever. We all need something. And I don’t know what I need. I want to move, again. Because I keep thinking that maybe this time around I’ll find a place where I can be happy. I’ve moved and totally changed my life twice and sure, thanks to that I’ve got to see new places, meet new people and experience new things. But did I find my place in the world? Did I find that true happiness? No. But I’m hoping that maybe, maybe this time I will.
I look for happiness in different places and different things to do but perhaps I should look inside myself. I’m not sure how to do that though. I don’t think I can because I happen to be a very cynical person. I think the happiest people are those who don’t search the world for trills but just like their surroundings. Those who don’t need grandeur but just enjoy the moment and the small things in life. How could I become like that? I don’t think I can because I’ve never been like that. I’m a dreamer and I always want something different. I always look for something more.
A while ago I came across a blog post where the author asked the question “If you were to describe yourself with six words, what would those words be?”. My six words are “A constant search for something more”. That’s me. Never content, always looking for something better, more exciting, more fulfilling.
And I haven’t found it yet. I’m twenty-five and I’ve never liked my life. It’s quite sad. And seeing how I work perhaps I never will.
EDIT: Meet my new affiliate Nancy!
EDIT 2: AND my new affiliate Mar!
“We must make an idol of our fear and that idol we shall call god.”
If a religious person sat down and had a long talk about life with me he/she would say that what I need in my life is god’s love. That it would heal me and fill my life with meaning and happiness. That may be true, but I don’t want to believe in god. I have this black hole of fear inside me. I fear death and the nothingness I believe follows and I fear that my life will be a waste. If I believed in god I probably wouldn’t fear death as much and I probably would feel that my life is meaningful because god has a plan for me. But I don’t want to believe in god because god is a imaginary friend. A story made up to relieve our fear of the unknown. A being created to make us feel that our existance has a meaning, a point, a reason.
I don’t think my existance has a reason. I don’t believe I have a destiny. I think our entire existence is a random coincidence. We’re born, we live, we die. We fill our lives with whatever we want to and whatever randomly passes us by. And then we die and we’re gone. And that’s it. It’s a depressing thought but I don’t see why it shouldn’t be like that. What proof do we have of a god? A godess? A higher power? Just look at how many religions there are. Which one is the right one? Which one grant you a place in eternity? Religions are fairytales made up by scared people all over the world. Different parts of the world have different fairytales, different gods. It’s like folk lore. Stories made up to explain things we don’t understand. What’s the difference between religion and folk lore? There aren’t many people who believe in folk lore anymore but the world is packed with religious people. Because religions offer a answear to the greatest fear of mankind; death. Religions offer comforting answears to what happens to us when we die.
I understand why people turn to religion. I’m also scared of death but I’m not going to turn to fairytales to feel comfort. I’m not really a logical and down to earth person but I don’t fall for anything. Give me proof of god’s existence and I’ll believe you. Religioius people would say that you don’t need any proof, that I just have to feel it in my heart or whatever. Come again? Why on earth should I read some old book about miracles and actually accept it as the truth about life and death? Why? And why should your faith be the right one? How do you choose between all the religions out there? Of which none has any proof that anything they talk about actually is real.
I’m very scared of death. If I sit down and really think about it. How it would be to be forever gone without even the ability to think, to even know that I’m gone. The very thougth of it terrifies me. Still I don’t turn to god because god isn’t logic. To me it’s like doing drugs because life is boring. You create an alternative world which no matter how cool it is still isn’t real. That’s god to me. We create our gods to fill those dark places of our souls and sure, our gods fill their purpose, but they’re still not real. I’m not saying I’m sure there isn’t a god. I’m just saying I don’t believe there is one. And that I don’t want to believe there is one either. I’d feel stupid kneeling down in a church praying to a character from a book written 2000 years ago. Wouldn’t you? Why don’t you?
“We must make an idol of our fear and that idol we shall call god.”
EDIT: Meet my new affiliate Katie!
I’m watching Austin Powers movies tonight. I’m going to bed soon though because I have school tomorrow. Not until 1:15 PM, but still. I need lots of sleep to function and I plan to be at school a bit earlier to have a cup of coffee and relax for a while.
I’ve been doing some maths today and even though I’m having some trouble I manage. I struggled with a number for ages so I took a break from it and called my mom. After I had talked with her for an hour or so I looked at the number again and all the sudden it clicked and I was like I GET IT NOW! I think I’ll manage this course. The difference between now and high school is that I’m really trying now and I won’t give up. I don’t expect do do anything more than barely pass but as long as I pass I’m happy.
Wow, I’m really becoming boring. First I don’t blog for ages and when I finally blog all I write about is school! But it’s such a big deal for me to be back in school. It feels like a new phase of my life. I’m barely managing but I won’t give up. I won’t allow myself to. This is important in so many ways.
I’m still looking for an apartment in Jönköping and Gothenburg but it seems impossible. I found a nice apartment in Gothenburg but more than 3000 other people are interested in it so it’s not likely I stand a chance. Jönköping is a smaller town than Gothenburg but it’s still very hard to find a cheap apartment there. Sweden needs a new Million Programme. The Million Program was a housing project between 1965-1974. In ten years one million apartments and houses were built. Unfortunately many of the houses were boring concrete suburbs but at least people had somewhere to live. If I had to choose between living with my parents in their big house or in my own small apartment in a concrete suburb I’d choose the suburb. Because I’m 25 years old and don’t exactly fancy living with mom and dad. Well at least I do have a nice apartment. Unfortunately in a town I don’t enjoy living in. If I had liked Hultsfred my living situation would have been perfect. My apartment has a central location. You pretty much can’t live more central than I do. And the entire house I live in had a total renovation about six years ago so everything is nice and new. On top of that my living room, hallway and bathroom are blue. I LOVE blue! My apartment is pretty, pretty, pretty. But still situated in Hultsfred.
I have a serious blogging block and that’s why I haven’t updated here for two weeks. I just don’t have anything to write about! It’s annoying! Kinda like my writers block that’s been going on for more than two years. I used to write poetry and short-stories all the time but for two years I haven’t been able to do any serious writing. My blog doesn’t count.
What’s new? Well I started my new job yesterday. I’ll only work there once a week so it’s no biggie. I also started school this monday and tomorrow I have my first maths class. I’m not looking forward to it but it’s kinda exciting to be back in school again. And I have so much motivation this time around! The reason to why I failed maths in high school was because I was sick of studying. You don’t have to go to high school if you don’t want to but everybody does anyway so my choice to do so didn’t really feel like a real choice. This time around I chose to go to school myself and it’s been six years since I studied so this is different.
I haven’t got any more news and I have to run to the store before they close so this is it for this time.
EDIT: Meet my new affiliate Sunny!
I haven’t studied since high school from where I graduated in 2002 but now I’m going back to school. I failed three courses in high school. Maths A, Maths B and Sign language B. I have no clue how courses are set up in other countries but here it basicly works like this.
1. You read different courses of which all have a number of points. Maths A is the first maths course and is a 100 point one, Maths B is a continuation course of 50 points. You need a minimum of x points (I don’t remember how many) to be qualified to enter a university. Fail courses = less points. Fail enough courses and you’re not qualified.
2. Whatever you plan to study at a university you need grades in Maths A, Swedish A and English A. Fail one of those and you’re not qualified.
Since I failed as many as three courses I don’t have enough points and on top of that I failed a base course. If I ever want to go to a university I have to fix this. So I’m going back to school to study maths. I’m going to Komvux, which is school for adults who need to improve their high school education. Right now I’m kinda nervous since it’s been so long since I went to school and whatever maths I once knew I’ve forgot. My knowledge of mathematics is that of a 13 year old, I kid you not!
One fun thing about going back to school was to buy school stuff today. I felt like a little kid when I picked out a pencil case, notebook, exercise book and some other stuff.
Oh btw, thanks for the replies to my previous post. I’ll take the majorities advice to buy the checkered dress.
I’m buying clothes from Haléns. First of all I’m buying these for sleeping in:
OMG I’m back! WordPress has been FUCKED UP for weeks! Just a moment ago I FINALLY got it working again! It’s great to be back. I’ve been twittering like crazy because I’ve missed blogging so much.
So, what’s new?
Well I turned 25 a week ago and among other things I got a 500 GB external hard drive. Exactly the model I wanted! My parents didn’t even know which one I wanted but they were lucky and set on the exact brand and model I’ve had my eyes on for months.
Another thing new is that I’m now activly doing everything I can to get the fuck out of this town. I’m looking for an apartment in Jönköping or Gothenburg but it’s hard because of the housing shortage in Sweden. The only apartments available are three or four roomers which are way too expensive for me. The situation is bringing me down because I really need to move away from Hultsfred. I hate this place.
Pretty soon my computer will shut down and re-start itself. The CPU-fan is fucked up and therefor my computer is getting overheated and turns itself off. I need to buy a new fan or leave my computer to someone else to repair. This sucks.