Hearing about bullied kids breaks my heart. I only hope that they know that if they hang in there things will get better and that most bullies ends up as serious losers as they grow up. Being mean and bitchy doesn’t get you anywhere as an adult. Neither does “being cool” and more interested in parties than books. One day those cool kids who pick on you will be the ones who serves you burgers at McDonald’s and that kid no one thought was cool who got the best grades but wasn’t popular, well that’s the one you’ll be reading about in the paper, regarding the multinational company he/she will run as an adult. Popularity is a short-lived thing. As is beauty. Intelligence however, that lasts a lifetime.
I’m trying to grasp the fact that I’m with my twenty-seven years and five months now am older than Kurt Cobain ever became and older than Richey Edwards was when he disappeared. These two have both had a great impact on my life and who I am, mainly Kurt Cobain since it was thanks to Nirvana I discovered alternative music. Them being this important to me makes the fact that I’m now older than they became feel very weird. How can I be older than they are? I who look up to them so much. How can I ever be anything more than they are, further than they are?
I used to think twenty-seven was the perfect age to die. Not that I wanted to die at that age myself but I thought that it sounded like a good age to go. Not too young and definitely not too old. Nowadays I think twenty-seven is way, way, waaaay too young a age to die. You see things differently when you’re there yourself and realize how little you have done with your life during your twenty-seven years on earth.
Saying that I’m twenty-seven years old sounds weird to me. It sound so old. I have come to see myself as an adult and I’m ok with being the age I am but it still sounds old. How did I get here? Next year I’ll be twenty-eight and from there it’s not far to thirty. Where did my twenties go? What did I do with them?
I’m thinking a lot about age, adulthood and life in general right now because I feel like I’m at a breaking point. I began university studies this year, soon I’ll be moving, I’m getting older, I have a new brighter outlook on life. I see my life in phases. Phase 1 childhood in Kalix, phase 2 high school in Västerås, phase 3 adulthood in Hultsfred and now I’ve kind of begun phase 4 with going back to school and soon when I move phase 3 will definitely be over.
And I’m thinking about life. What I’m doing with it. Where I’m going. How not to take it so much for granted. I don’t want to wonder what I did with my late twenties in five years time, like I wonder what I did with my early twenties.
Maybe happiness isn’t so much about a perfect life as it is about positive thinking. Maybe it’s about focusing on what’s good and accepting what’s not without letting it bring you down. This probably seems like the simplest of truths to some of you but it took me twenty-seven years to come to this realization. All this time I’ve let the negative aspects of my life cast a shadow over everything else and because of that I’ve never considered myself a happy person. Now I’m happy though. Not because my life is perfect and lack downsides and problems but because I’ve shifted my focus from those things to the things I am happy with, to the things which are going well, to everything about my life that I love. I can’t say that I wake up every morning and think “Oh man it’s great to be alive!” but every day I do my best to think positively.
Getting an apartment in Västerås like I blogged about the other day is not the only good news I’ve got lately. I also got into three uni courses for next semester. Next year I’ll be studying Web programming – continued course, Vector graphics and E-commerce. Combined the three courses adds up to 37,5 points. Full time studies is 30 points and 45 is the maximum you’re allowed to study each term. My first term I studied three courses which added up to 30 points and this term I’m studying four courses adding up to 37,5 points.
I feel like things are going my way lately. First I get into three uni courses I really want to study and then I get an apartment. On top of that lately I’ve just been in a generally good mood. I don’t know what’s different this year but I’m not feeling the winter darkness like I usually do. For as long as I can remember I’ve been feeling low during the winter because of the cold and darkness but not this year. I think it’s because I’m different this year. I’ve changed. Adapted a more positive outlook on life.
I’ve also grown up I think. At least I feel like an adult for the first time in my life. Kind of ironic considering I’ve actually been an adult for nine years, had my own income for eight years and lived on my own for four years… Still it wasn’t until I turned twenty-seven that I started feeling like an actual adult. There are several reasons behind seeing myself in this new light. First of all I’m technically no longer a youth. At first that didn’t make any difference because I still felt like one but now I’m noticing that I’m having a ever harder time identifying with the youth of today. I’ve become one of those grown ups who look upon trends among the high school kids with a raised eyebrow and go “Huh… that’s odd”. Furthermore I think that I finally actually look like an adult, especially with the growing number of “fine lines” (the nice word for wrinkles). Personally I think I look like I’m at least twenty-four but others guess twenty to twenty-three. That doesn’t affect the way I look upon myself though. Last but not least the mere fact that I’m getting ever closer to my thirtieth birthday has also made me look upon myself differently. When you’re thirty you’re undeniably grown up and not just that, you’re actually on your way to becoming middle-aged. Sure you’re not there yet but you have begun the journey, just like you’re not an adult when you’re sixteen but have begun the journey towards adulthood. In the end age is about how you see yourself. I don’t think I’m old but I don’t think I’m that young either nowadays. I’m undeniably an adult though and I finally feel like one too.
I’m usually in a pretty good mood but today my mood isn’t just good. Today I’m beyond happy. I’m so excited. I want to sing and dance and scream “YEEEEEES!”. Why is that? Because I’ll be leaving this hell hole of a small town in less than three months time!
I’ve lived in Hultsfred for six years and never liked it here. But on February 1 I’ll be moving! Before me and my family moved to Hultsfred we lived in Sweden’s fifth biggest town; Västerås, which is located about an hour from Stockholm. I really want to live in Stockholm but it’s impossible to find an apartment there unless you’ve been in the queue for about three years so I’ve beeen looking for one in Västerås as well since I liked living there. And today I got one!
My family are also sick of Hultsfred so they’ll also move to Västerås. My dad will move on February 1 just like me because he’ll begin his new job that date. The rest of the family will stay behind until they’ve sold the house.
All of this is so fucking great because: 1. I’m getting out of Hultsfred. 2. My family will move to Västerås too so I’ll still live close to them. 3. I lived in Västerås for five years between 99-04 so I already know people there and it won’t be like when I moved here and didn’t know anybody.
I’m, happy, happy, happy!