I always hated physical education when I was a kid. Mostly because of how awful PE made me feel about myself. Or rather, how awful the other kids made me feel about myself. When teams were set up I was always among the last to be picked. Sure, I wasn’t sporty but there were plenty of others who weren’t either. The problem with me was I wasn’t popular either. Other not so sporty kids who were popular where always picked before me, even though we were at the same level when it came to football (soccer), indoor bandy or whatever.

I could have done ok if I had been given a chance, but I never was. I stood at the edge of the field since no one passed me the ball anyway. I didn’t want them to pass me the ball because I thought I’d for sure screw up. At least they seemed to think I would. Why else would they pick me last and never pass me the ball? It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. They thought I sucked at sports and since they thought I did I thought they must be right, so I didn’t even try to be good at it and since I didn’t even try, it appeared as though I really did suck at sports. I wasn’t as terrible as I thought though.

Brännboll (a form of baseball) was a really popular sport to play during PE. When you play brännboll you strike the ball and try to run around the four corners of the field. Out on the field there are several players from the opposite team trying to catch your ball. If they do they get points. Since I was convinced I sucked at brännboll I always just hit the ball right down into the ground so it bounced, so at least no one could catch it and get a point for it. Then there was this teacher who took the time to try to teach me how to strike the ball for real. I even practised at home and got pretty good at it. Turned out I wasn’t all that horrible at brännboll after all. I wonder how good I would have been at other sports had I only tried and more importantly, had I only been given a chance to prove myself. But I was never given such a chance because I was unpopular.

When I was in high school PE was very different. There weren’t a whole lot of sporty people in my class so pretty much everyone was at my level. There weren’t really any popularity contests going on either since everyone just stuck to their group of friends and left everyone they didn’t like alone. There wasn’t even all that many people who disliked each other. This was a very different atmosphere from the one I was used to from grade 1-9. Still, I was so damaged from being told I sucked at sports for nine years that I didn’t really try during high school PE either. Most of all I had come to really hate the PE lessons. I didn’t reflect over why I hated them so much but in retrospect I think it wasn’t so much because high school PE was bad but because I had come to associate PE with bad things.

Why the hell do teachers let the students pick teams? I wonder if it ever occurred to my old teachers that the people who were always picked last maybe felt bad about it? That maybe it would be better to try to avoid making the team building into a popularity contest? Because that’s what it was. And always being among the last to be picked fucked up any self esteem I might have had about sports (and myself). So severely that I never gave PE or sports a chance again.

What is the maximum acceptable age difference in a relationship to you? I’ve never had a certain age limit which I stuck to when it came to dating but I’ve always been very certain of not wanting to date someone too old. Since I was a teenager I’ve visualized the same horror scenario connected to dating someone more than ten years older than me. That scenario is bringing the guy to meet my parents and finding that he has more in common with them than me. Perhaps they would talk about the 70s, before I was even born, or the 80s, during which I was a small child. I couldn’t be with someone too young either. Not below mid twenties.

Andreas is five years younger than me. He’s 25 and I’ll be 30 soon. I feel like we’re on the same level. The only time I can tell he’s a bit younger than me is when we talk about childhood memories. He doesn’t remember some of the stuff I connect to my childhood in the early 90s. And me, I can’t relate to some of the things of his childhood during the late 90s and early 00s since I was a teenager at that time. Then there’s of course the fact that he doesn’t have wrinkles, which I unfortunately do.

If you have a partner, what’s the age difference between you?

I can’t say that I’m a healthy person because I rarely exercise and don’t exactly eat healthy. There are a couple of choices I’ve made health-wise which I’m rather proud of though.

1. I don’t eat meat. A vegetarian diet decreases the risk for overweight so not eating meat feels like a good choice. It’s not the reason behind why I don’t eat meat but it’s a plus.

2. I don’t tan, which of course decreases the risk of getting skin cancer. Being as pale as I am I already have a increased risk of getting skin cancer, by just being out in the sun, so for me to tan would be a really bad idea.

3. I quit smoking. Nuff said.

Sometimes I get a bit full of myself. For example I look at this site layout and think “damn! I’m such a awesome web designer!”. I feel the same thing when I look at my art or read poetry I’ve written. I’m proud of how I decorated my home. Proud of my great sense of style. Proud of how much I know about politics. I feel intelligent, creative and pretty awesome in general. Even though I’m not the best at anything I do and for sure no Mensa material I’m still very happy about myself. When it comes to my looks the one part I’m not happy with is my weight because I used to be skinnier than this, but the rest, no supermodel for sure, but still rather pretty in my own way.

More people should get a bit full of themselves. Not full of themselves in a way which makes them think they’re superior to others but full of pride over themselves and what they are and can do. People so often underestimate their talents and never feel good enough. Stop comparing your IQ to Albert Einstein. Stop comparing your artistic skill to Leonardo Da Vinci. Stop comparing your looks to supermodels. You don’t have to be the smartest to still be smart, the most skilled artist to still be skilled or look like a supermodel to still be pretty.

I’m average in so many ways and below average when it comes to some things. Still I feel great about myself because I choose to focus on the things about myself I take pride in. Try it.

Today I was dead tired and utterly bored at work. Then I walked part of the way home. I consider 7 kilometres too far to walk in the rain so I took the bus from my job in the outskirts of the city to the bus terminal in the city centre and then walked the remaining 3 kilometres from there to home.

The weather was grey and gloomy. Rain and fog. I enjoyed the slight drizzle of rain on my face but the scenery was absolutely and utterly depressing. The way from the city centre to my home is one I love during spring and summer since the scenery is so beautiful. This time of the year, on a grey and rainy day though, not so much. The water in the stream is always brown but I can overlook that if the trees are green and the sun is shining. Now the brown water of the stream combined with the grey sky and naked branches of the trees made such a gloomy scene it actually made me feel depressed just seeing it. I fell into a melancholia which stuck with me for the rest of the day. I’m still not in a great mood but watching a couple episodes of Glee at least made me forget about that mood for a while.

This is how happy I’ve been today. Actually I don’t even look tired and melancholic enough in this photo. It was even worse than this.

I’m hoping tomorrow will be a better day. Just give me some damn spring already! I want sunshine! And flowers! Green leaves! Warmth! All those things which makes me happy. Those things which makes waking up in the morning looking out the window a true joy. Today I opened the blinds, then shut them and never re-opened them again. Since I got home I haven’t looked out the window once. Nothing nice to see.

I’m not doing anything worth blogging about these days. Life is a routine right now and I don’t get out much. That will change now that spring is approaching though. Finally there’s some warmth. At last the snow is melting. Yesterday I saw the first flowers of the spring. I’ll start taking walks as soon as possible. The treadmill is boring compared to a real walk outside on a sunny spring day.

Spring walks also means photography. Winter photography is interesting while the temperature is below 0 and it’s snowing a lot. Winter wonderland with snow covered trees is a beautiful motif. Dirty half melted snow and bare branches is however not all that pretty. I don’t enjoy photographing that kind of scenery. Now that scenery is changing into spring though. First the flowers, then the light green leaves on the trees, then the grass. Nature is waking up and I’ll be there with my camera, pushing it up natures newly awaken face, snapping picture after picture.