I’ve been to the veterinary again with Sarah. The kidney inflammation seems to be cured. Yay! Now she just needs to recover from the liver failure. She got some pills which makes her hungry and after having one at the veterinary she ran to the food and ate by herself when we got home. I really hope this means my baby is on her way to recovery.
Sarah in my lap
So far today has been a shitty day. I woke up in a bad mood, was late for work, walked there in the rain, walked home in the rain, got home and then laid on the couch watching uninteresting TV. I could have done something else but Sarah fell asleep on my arm and I didn’t want to wake her. I want to spend as many moments like that as possible with her in case she doesn’t get well. My poor sick kitty. So boring TV it was.
This is how happy I felt today, under my umbrella (ela ela e e e). Like the subtle editing? That’s how I used to edit photos way back in 2000.
Today my dad put in the wooden floor I bought a year ago. That means I’m finally rid of the fugly, dirty, broken beige plastic floor in the living room! I’m so happy because that floor really brought down the whole room. No matter what I did, no matter how pretty everything looked, the room still looked awful because of that fugliness. I won’t show you any photos yet because we need to put in new baseboards first and until that is done my living room is chaos. You see I had to move a lot of furniture which I can’t put back in place until the baseboards are in place. Right now my huge book case is standing in front of the windows and all my books are packed in paper bags in the kitchen. So, photos later.
My baby girl Sarah don’t want to eat today. Yesterday she ate three times though and I was so happy I snapped a photo of her. If I believed in god I would pray right now but I don’t. I already did pray anyway, just in case there is a god. I don’t think he listened. To quote Sylvia Plath: “I talk to god but the sky is empty”.
Had Easter dinner at my parents house and got a easter egg with some candy and make-up.
I’ve read some positive things about the fatty liver condition Sarah suffers from as a result of the kidney inflammation. Apparently a cat with fatty liver can survive if force fed long enough. I read about someone who fed her cat for about six weeks and the cat survived and went back to full health! I’ll give Sarah a chance. If the medication can fix the kidneys all I have to do is make sure she eats. I will give this a try as long as she continues to get better, which I think she is.
Sarah is resting. Nicky is trying to get to the plate of food placed in the compartment with the frame above him. It’s Sarah’s food which he isn’t to touch.
I don’t know what to write. Everything feels pointless now when Sarah is sick. Today I bought her five different kinds of food but she still won’t eat. I think she’s getting better though because she’s started cleaning herself again and when I pat her she purrs. She even meowed at my mum today. She’s been so silent for the paste couple of days so that was nice to hear. The nutritious food I’m feeding her combined with the medicine is at least doing something for her. The question is how much. Will it make her recover or is it just enough to keep her alive? I will continue force feeding her as long as I see progress. I won’t give up on her yet.
My cat still won’t eat. She had a little food earlier today, the first she ate in days without being force fed. I was so happy and got my hopes up again but that was hours ago and she hasn’t eaten since. I’ll continue force feeding her to let the medication do it’s work but I can’t keep that up forever.
It is said that there are five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I skipped denial since I always expect the worst. What I started with was depression, which turned into anger when I raged about how unfair it was for this to happen to her. Then I bargained. I prayed to a god I don’t even believe in, asking for her to be saved if I never asked for anything for myself ever again. Now I’m in the depression stage where all I do is cry. Acceptance is far away. I still cling to the hope that she’ll pull through. That the medication will work and she’ll start eating.
It’s time to medicate and feed her now. It’s horrible because afterwards she doesn’t want to be near me because of what I’m putting her though. I hope she calms down before bed time because I want her to sleep next to me like she always do.
The next few days will be critical. If I can’t get her to eat by herself there is nothing left do do but the horrible thing which I can’t even form in words because I think that if I avoid writing it perhaps I can stop it from happening.
I’m listening to Time In A Bottle on repeat because it describes what I’m feeling right now so well.
“If I could save time in a bottle the first thing that I’d like to do is to save every day ’til eternity passes away just to spend them with you. If I could make days last forever, if words could make wishes come true I’d save every day like a treasure and then again I would spend them with you.”‘
I want to stop time and hold her forever.
Here’s a photo of her from last November. I love it. This is my lazy Sarah who loves to nap. Please don’t die. Please don’t leave me. Five years isn’t long enough to be blessed with you in my life.
My cat is sick and if she doesn’t start eating by Thursday she has to be put to sleep. Life is cruel and unfair. I’ve had Sarah for five years and it’s not enough. We should spend many more years together. I should get to fall asleep with her purring next to me every night for at least five more years. She’s my baby and I love her so much. She can’t die. Can’t, can’t can’t.
“If I could save time in a bottle the first thing that I’d like to do is to save every day ’til eternity passes away just to spend them with you. If I could make days last forever, if words could make wishes come true I’d save every day like a treasure and then again I would spend them with you.”
My cat Bettsy passed away three hours ago. She passed away and I wasn’t there. You see she’s been living with my parents since I thought it would be mean of me to bring her along when I moved out of my parents house. She’s… she was used to a big house, a garden and liked my mum more than she liked me anyway. So I left her there when I moved to my own apartment and eventually got two other cats who I’ve had for a couple of years now. Still Bettsy was my first cat. I got her when I was only ten years old and she was supposed to turn seventeen in just a few days. Seventeen years she’s been part of my family and now she’s gone. She lived a long and happy life and died safe in my mothers arms but knowing all that doesn’t take any of the pain away. She’s gone, she’ll never come back and I wasn’t there when she died.
Bettsy 930625-100620. I love you. Rest in peace baby. You will be missed.
I had a dream that I was on a fair where they sold pigs. I was standing next to a pig while eating something and the pig looked at my food, reminding me so much of a dog. Then it was sold and I thought “Oh no! They can’t slaughter it” so I tried to buy it myself but the person who bought it wouldn’t let me. Knowing the pig was most likely going to be slaughtered I cried and I woke up with tears in my eyes.
The thing is that I think that I might actually do something like that in real life since I love animals and I don’t eat meat. So I wasn’t overly sensitive in the dream. That’s just the way I am.
I always say that I don’t care about what others eat but that’s not true. Of course I care about whether others eat meat or not but I’m not gonna try to force my opinions on someone else because I hate when others do that to me. I still wish that more people would think like me though.
I wore these boots during the Hultsfred festival. It was a bit muddy. Can you tell? The reason to why you should never wear too nice shoes at a rock festival.