Some go to a party or the pub on a Friday night. I stayed at home watching the Ronja Rövardotter (Ronja the Robber’s Daughter) movie from 1984. It’s a Swedish classic.
I don’t want to take out anything in advance since Sarah’s health has been a roller coaster ride for the past two weeks but there’s definitely a big improvement. She’s been eating by herself for two days now and she seems healthy. If it wasn’t for her yellow skin tone (a symptom of liver failure) I wouldn’t even notice she’s not 100% well yet. She has stopped hiding under the bath tub, she wants to sleep next to me again, she’s more social in general. Actually I think she’s even a bit more social than she was before she got ill. She definitely “talks” more with me. She’s meowing when she sit in my lap, meowing when I call her name, meowing when I pat her. Perhaps she’s been feeling lonely during her sickness. Cats who are sick wants to be alone but perhaps even though she didn’t want to be near me she missed me.
Oh how hard this has been. There’s been so many ups and downs. Times when she looked so miserable and I was convinced she would die. Then there was that time when she ate a little and I got my hopes up so much. Only for her to stop eating again. The veterinary telling me that it would be best to put her to sleep. Then finding information online about cats who had the same problems as Sarah and survived. Up and down and up and down. From hope to despair and back again.
I’m glad I didn’t listen to the veterinarian. I decided to give her a chance. Some would say that you shouldn’t force feed a cat for nearly two weeks. That I should have let her go after just one week. But I read about someone who had a cat with the same illness as Sarah and force fed her cat for six weeks and the cat fully recovered. You don’t give up on a human being if there’s a chance, do you? Definitely not after just one week.
I said I don’t want to take out anything in advance but truth to be told I already have. When I see such a positive change, how can I not get my hopes up? The important thing was for her to start eating again. Not eating was what caused the liver failure and eating is what will cure it.
It’s not just her mood and energy I see a difference in. There’s a definite difference in her appearance. Just look at these. She looks so good now compared to how miserable she looked last week. See the difference in her eyes? How different her ears are positioned?
Sarah nine days ago.
I’ve been to the veterinary again with Sarah. The kidney inflammation seems to be cured. Yay! Now she just needs to recover from the liver failure. She got some pills which makes her hungry and after having one at the veterinary she ran to the food and ate by herself when we got home. I really hope this means my baby is on her way to recovery.
Sarah in my lap
So far today has been a shitty day. I woke up in a bad mood, was late for work, walked there in the rain, walked home in the rain, got home and then laid on the couch watching uninteresting TV. I could have done something else but Sarah fell asleep on my arm and I didn’t want to wake her. I want to spend as many moments like that as possible with her in case she doesn’t get well. My poor sick kitty. So boring TV it was.
This is how happy I felt today, under my umbrella (ela ela e e e). Like the subtle editing? That’s how I used to edit photos way back in 2000.
Today my dad put in the wooden floor I bought a year ago. That means I’m finally rid of the fugly, dirty, broken beige plastic floor in the living room! I’m so happy because that floor really brought down the whole room. No matter what I did, no matter how pretty everything looked, the room still looked awful because of that fugliness. I won’t show you any photos yet because we need to put in new baseboards first and until that is done my living room is chaos. You see I had to move a lot of furniture which I can’t put back in place until the baseboards are in place. Right now my huge book case is standing in front of the windows and all my books are packed in paper bags in the kitchen. So, photos later.
My baby girl Sarah don’t want to eat today. Yesterday she ate three times though and I was so happy I snapped a photo of her. If I believed in god I would pray right now but I don’t. I already did pray anyway, just in case there is a god. I don’t think he listened. To quote Sylvia Plath: “I talk to god but the sky is empty”.
Had Easter dinner at my parents house and got a easter egg with some candy and make-up.
I’ve read some positive things about the fatty liver condition Sarah suffers from as a result of the kidney inflammation. Apparently a cat with fatty liver can survive if force fed long enough. I read about someone who fed her cat for about six weeks and the cat survived and went back to full health! I’ll give Sarah a chance. If the medication can fix the kidneys all I have to do is make sure she eats. I will give this a try as long as she continues to get better, which I think she is.
Sarah is resting. Nicky is trying to get to the plate of food placed in the compartment with the frame above him. It’s Sarah’s food which he isn’t to touch.
I don’t know what to write. Everything feels pointless now when Sarah is sick. Today I bought her five different kinds of food but she still won’t eat. I think she’s getting better though because she’s started cleaning herself again and when I pat her she purrs. She even meowed at my mum today. She’s been so silent for the paste couple of days so that was nice to hear. The nutritious food I’m feeding her combined with the medicine is at least doing something for her. The question is how much. Will it make her recover or is it just enough to keep her alive? I will continue force feeding her as long as I see progress. I won’t give up on her yet.
My cat still won’t eat. She had a little food earlier today, the first she ate in days without being force fed. I was so happy and got my hopes up again but that was hours ago and she hasn’t eaten since. I’ll continue force feeding her to let the medication do it’s work but I can’t keep that up forever.
It is said that there are five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I skipped denial since I always expect the worst. What I started with was depression, which turned into anger when I raged about how unfair it was for this to happen to her. Then I bargained. I prayed to a god I don’t even believe in, asking for her to be saved if I never asked for anything for myself ever again. Now I’m in the depression stage where all I do is cry. Acceptance is far away. I still cling to the hope that she’ll pull through. That the medication will work and she’ll start eating.
It’s time to medicate and feed her now. It’s horrible because afterwards she doesn’t want to be near me because of what I’m putting her though. I hope she calms down before bed time because I want her to sleep next to me like she always do.
The next few days will be critical. If I can’t get her to eat by herself there is nothing left do do but the horrible thing which I can’t even form in words because I think that if I avoid writing it perhaps I can stop it from happening.
I’m listening to Time In A Bottle on repeat because it describes what I’m feeling right now so well.
“If I could save time in a bottle the first thing that I’d like to do is to save every day ’til eternity passes away just to spend them with you. If I could make days last forever, if words could make wishes come true I’d save every day like a treasure and then again I would spend them with you.”‘
I want to stop time and hold her forever.
Here’s a photo of her from last November. I love it. This is my lazy Sarah who loves to nap. Please don’t die. Please don’t leave me. Five years isn’t long enough to be blessed with you in my life.
My cat is sick and if she doesn’t start eating by Thursday she has to be put to sleep. Life is cruel and unfair. I’ve had Sarah for five years and it’s not enough. We should spend many more years together. I should get to fall asleep with her purring next to me every night for at least five more years. She’s my baby and I love her so much. She can’t die. Can’t, can’t can’t.
“If I could save time in a bottle the first thing that I’d like to do is to save every day ’til eternity passes away just to spend them with you. If I could make days last forever, if words could make wishes come true I’d save every day like a treasure and then again I would spend them with you.”
My cat Bettsy passed away three hours ago. She passed away and I wasn’t there. You see she’s been living with my parents since I thought it would be mean of me to bring her along when I moved out of my parents house. She’s… she was used to a big house, a garden and liked my mum more than she liked me anyway. So I left her there when I moved to my own apartment and eventually got two other cats who I’ve had for a couple of years now. Still Bettsy was my first cat. I got her when I was only ten years old and she was supposed to turn seventeen in just a few days. Seventeen years she’s been part of my family and now she’s gone. She lived a long and happy life and died safe in my mothers arms but knowing all that doesn’t take any of the pain away. She’s gone, she’ll never come back and I wasn’t there when she died.
Bettsy 930625-100620. I love you. Rest in peace baby. You will be missed.