Tonight I spent an hour reading about Sharia laws and women wrongly accused of crimes and stoned to death. My first thought was that I wanted to change the world so such things wouldn’t happen and my second thought was “thank god it’s not me. thank god I don’t live in a culture which condones such things”.

It’s easy to only compare yourself to people who are better off than you are but try doing the other way around. I can whine about not having enough money but I don’t ever let it bring me down for real. If I’m about to let that happen I just take a look around my apartment and when I see the beautiful things I’m surrounded by I instantly feel better. How can I not when I know that millions of people live in shacks while I own things to a value higher than the money those people will make in their entire life.

It’s not just about money. Like I started this entry with, it’s about the people in your life too. And the things you do. Everything you see. I do my best to take in all the beauty of the world rather than just passing it by on my way somewhere. I don’t just walk by the blooming trees in spring. I stop to smell the flowers. I admire the view from my balcony and photograph sunsets. I find the beauty in every day.

I’m not always happy. Of course I’m not. And I have a very bleak view of the world and mankind. Perhaps that’s why I so easily find joy in the small things. Because I know the world is full of suffering and evil but that I have been spared from it.

Like Bono sings in Do They Know It’s Christmas “Tonight thank god it’s them instead of you”. Some have called that line cynical but I call it realistic. Do thank god or whatever you believe in for the things you have. Stop and take it all in because you’re probably better off than most people are.

Many people say that they would want to live, grow old and die, because that’s how it’s supposed to be. I wouldn’t! I have a extreme fear of death because I believe that when I die my soul disappear and everything that was me will be gone. I won’t even know I’m dead because I can’t even think. Some say that if I can’t think I won’t even know I’m dead and because of that it wouldn’t be so horrible. But it would definitly be horrible! It would be like sleeping without dreams and never ever waking up. In what way isn’t that terrifying?

So yes, if I had the choice I’d choose to live forever. People who wouldn’t want do that say that life would become boring after a couple of hundred years and that it would be awful to see everyone you love die and be left alive yourself. But that can’t be worse than being dead. No matter how boring life would become and how much I’d miss the ones who passed away living forever must be better than being dead forever.

What do you think? If you’re religious imagine that you weren’t. Imagine what you’d choose if you didn’t belive in god and a afterlife.

Meet my new affiliates Rachel-Rebecka and Samantha!

+ My friend Milla now have a Whirlwind subdomain. She’s funny so if you understand swedish you should visit her.

+ My sister should get her subdomain in order soon so check her site out aswell.

This does not mean that I now accept hostees. I can add as many subdomains as I want to for free but adding ftp accounts costs money. This means I’m sharing my fpt account with the people I’m hosting but that’s just because I know and trust them. Hosting is by invitation only.

What I do think about is how I need my life to be meaningful, to me. How I want to fill my life with wonderful moments and how I want to be happy. To me that’s the meaning of life. Simply to be happy and to enjoy my time here on earth. I’m a searcher. I search for something to fill me, complete me and make my life feel wonderful. It could be a place, something to do, a realization, whatever. We all need something. And I don’t know what I need. I want to move, again. Because I keep thinking that maybe this time around I’ll find a place where I can be happy. I’ve moved and totally changed my life twice and sure, thanks to that I’ve got to see new places, meet new people and experience new things. But did I find my place in the world? Did I find that true happiness? No. But I’m hoping that maybe, maybe this time I will.

I look for happiness in different places and different things to do but perhaps I should look inside myself. I’m not sure how to do that though. I don’t think I can because I happen to be a very cynical person. I think the happiest people are those who don’t search the world for trills but just like their surroundings. Those who don’t need grandeur but just enjoy the moment and the small things in life. How could I become like that? I don’t think I can because I’ve never been like that. I’m a dreamer and I always want something different. I always look for something more.

A while ago I came across a blog post where the author asked the question “If you were to describe yourself with six words, what would those words be?”. My six words are “A constant search for something more”. That’s me. Never content, always looking for something better, more exciting, more fulfilling.

And I haven’t found it yet. I’m twenty-five and I’ve never liked my life. It’s quite sad. And seeing how I work perhaps I never will.

EDIT: Meet my new affiliate Nancy!

EDIT 2: AND my new affiliate Mar!